How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
