Pants 0. Shit 1.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
