Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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