I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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