just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
