Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
