Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize