i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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