He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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