Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
