if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
