Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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