I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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