I'd wear matching sweaters with you
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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