Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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