Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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