i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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