If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
