My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I have fence marks all over my body
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
