the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
