2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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