My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
