He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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