Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
