Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
