I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
