No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
