Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
