This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
