That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
