walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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