My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
