I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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