but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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