life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel