I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...