the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house