I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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