do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
