when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
