these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
