Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
