Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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