Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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