Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
