just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
it's great music for shaving your balls
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
