Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I understand Curling. That high.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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