I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
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Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
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so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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