I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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