this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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