I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
