I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
