does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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