Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
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He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
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Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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