I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
