There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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