Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
