I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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